What the frickin heck is happening to MY 49ers?!!! 

Okay.  Now i know, since the playoffs started and Kaepernick has been tested, they have been slow in the first half, and usually warm up in the second.  So DON’T PANIC FANS!!!!!

That’s what I’m telling myself.  Am I panicked though?  Uh yeah, a little bit!  Not even with Kaepernick, that young whippersnapper…but WTF is going on with the defense?!  I simply don’t believe that Flacco is that doggone good.  The problem is that when he makes a mistake, our usually stellar defense is not capitalizing on it.  They missed at least THREE sure interceptions!!!!! 

Now I’m not mad at LaMichael James for that fumble, shyte happens.  It wouldnt have been so bad if the offense hadnt been screwing up so badly. 






i am sooo pissed right now. 

i just dont even have the words right now…to even express….hot damn.

seriously? giving a child a unisex watch will make them gay? seriously?


okay, i am sooo far from perfect its not even right.  one of my many flaws is my verbal attack skills.  when i get attacked, i come hard.  friend, lover, whatever.  you WILL get it.  so maybe i came too hard just now.  granted, it was all stuff that needed to be said, but it was not said in LOVE like it was supposed to be.  if other folks hadnt overreacted so ignorantly, then i maybe could have controlled myself a little better.  but giving a child a watch with no discernible gender traits WHATSOEVER is not a reason to get all up in arms, or accuse the person of possibly turning the child gay.

for the record, i think you are born gay.  giving a kid an item of ANY kind ain’t gonna do it.

aw man, fuck it. it is what it is.  i said it.  its in the air now, drifting and choking the shit out of us.

Natural Hair: Love It!

i am planning a post on my undying love for the 49ers, but got sidetracked while websurfing…bcz isnt that what the internet is for? lol.  anyway i was perusing newly natural under the products sections and started reading the comments.  ever notice how the  comments are often the most interesting part of a post?  really tells you who is reading the article.  while reading these comments, i felt a strong sense of nostalgia come over me.  reading posts saying “i cant get my hair to do what i want” or “my curls are too tight, i want loose curls!” reminded me of when i first went natural.  however, when i did, there were no wonderful websites like Black Girl With Long Hair or Nappturality.  So…basically i didn’t know what the HELL i was doing! lol.  i mean clueless.  i let my perm grow out and was surprised to find out i didn’t have hair like Rachel True or Jada Pinkett.  Umm, my curls aren’t cute and tameable!  WTF?  But I didn’t give up…mostly because of the reason i went natural in the first place…a bad breakup had me angry at the world.  I felt like i had been treated unfairly and want to project that anger to everyone!  And to me, going natural and wearing my fro was Angela-Davis scare-the-white-people perfect.  So i didnt know anything abt twists or bantu knots.  my hair looked as angry as i felt and i loved it.  then i decided to do the big chop.  i had already fully transitioned, but i was still angry so i stopped wearing makeup, kept a permanent scowl and went for the fade.  As my hair grew, my anger receded and i actually started to get curious on styling my hair. 

what was interesting is that although i didnt know what i was doing, i knew that there was more to the hair thing than the actual hair.  i would try to style it, but it never quite looked right to my eyes.  i went to a salon once or twice to pay $100 for the saddest two strand twists i’d ever seen in my life 😦  Finally i realized it wasnt just the hair, it was me!  i had been trained by society on what looked good on my own head, and i could not appreciate what i had.  my hair was BEAUTIFUL but i couldnt get past the 3c look.  my hair is 4c all the way, maybe a tiny bit 4b in the front.  it did not flow in long locks down my back like i had expected.  just because i got rid of my perm didnt mean my hair would miraculously turn into the hair i saw on tv.  But i began to see artists like Angie Stone with afros, and then erykah badu came (who knew that was a wig?!) and it began to be cool to be natural.  i could see women with hair like mine ROCKING IT and it became ok that i had short kinky hair.  i started to counsel myself about my hair:  don’t replace one daydream with another.   I didnt want to have Erykah Badu hair, i wanted MY HAIR!  it was all about finding the love for my own hair and appreciating it in any state…poofy, straight, frizzy, silky…it’s all mine and it is gorgeous.  Just the way it grows from my head, the way God made it is gorgeous.  Once i started to really believe that, in real life, i felt truly free and more in love with my hair than with any man.  when i met my husband, i had braids and i told him to not get used to them because i am NAPPY AND HAPPY!  loving my kinky hair went a long way towards helping me love myself and i think it is an important step for any natural.  Black hair is a topic that can launch a thousand articles, but i just wanted to drop this one for you real quick…it is now 10:16 and i must force myself to go to bed!  but i am planning many more hair posts, including products as i am totally a product junkie.

here is the comment i left on newly natural:

i have been natural since 2001 and am still learning abt my hair all the time.  1st embrace your hair and its quirks…humidity? dryness? tight curls? work it!  first, most of us wanted 3c/4a/tracee ellis ross hair, and not everyone has that.  if your hair dsnt have that loose curl naturally, you can create it with a twist out or braid out.  no money for products? a spray bottle of water, some shea butter and you can have beautiful twistouts.  want length w/out flat-ironing? stretch out the hair.  wear it in a bun, or try bantu knots…when you take the hair dwn you’ll have some length.  it wont be perfectly straight, but if you are going natural, you will have to give up the straightness of the perm.  you can go to the salon for a blowout/flatiron for that same look, but if you live in a humid area, that wont work!!!!  now there are some brazilian products that will keep the hair straight, but even white girls are telling me how the effect last for 3-4 wks, and they cldnt get their curls back.  you run the risk of a.) damaging your hair and b.) losing your curl action until your hair reverts back and sometimes it never does.
it took me a while, but i have figured out how to make my hair achieve all the looks you see in the media, without artificially changing my hair texture. ladies it is possible!  but its not just about changing your hair, its about changing YOUR MIND.  you can have beautiful hair, but you have to change what YOU think is beautiful, or it will still look ugly to you.

hairWhy am i getting mean-mugged in the mirror? lol

Who You Calling A Hoe?

rihanna taylor
As promised, I have to take it there on ya girl Taylor Swift.

But I’m gonna start by talking about Rihanna.

Yes, Rihanna, the current bad girl of R&B/Pop or whatever you want to call it.  I will get into my personal feelings about Rihanna later in another post, but suffice it to say I find her interesting and though some may disagree, multifaceted.  That girl got some issues and some thangs going on!  But she’s rich, young and pretty.  Not to mention she was/is dating the most controversial Black man in R&B–Chris Brown.  Although the two got their label of being controversial from their relationship with each other. 

Anyway, back on topic.  So we have Rihanna, getting beat down by her current man in a most horrific manner, taking naked pictures of herself and posting them on the internet regularly, and bringing us the most raunchy side of island music (which i love, by the way).  Whether you think she can sing or not is irrelevant; she is out there and folks are buying her music and making her a hot commodity.  Because of her notoriety, however, the media has labeled Rihanna a bit loose in the pants, you might say.  A big deal is always made about who she is screwing on a regular basis.  Which is par for the course these days.  The media stays all up in celebrity uteruses and urethras.  And they have often speculated on who she has been with and who may be next and is she back with Chris Brown. Or Matt Kemp. Or whomever.  But really, we’re talking abt 5-6 dudes, and maybe a girl, as speculation runs rampant she gets busy with her best girlfriend.  I just find it interesting how she is pretty much considered a hoe.

BUT WHAT ABOUT TAYLOR SWIFT?!  She has had just as many if not more boyfriends than Rihanna!  And not one media person has even hinted at calling her a hoe.  Now, just yesterday, there was a Fox news story saying how fans are now getting tired of Taylor Swift serial dating in Hollywood.  Serial Dating?! Really?  That’s what they call white girls that date alot.  Black girls are called hoes.  Just another example of the double standard…in black and white.   Check out the list below:

Rihanna: negus sealy (1st bf), chris brown, drake, ryan phillipe, ashton kutcher, matt kemp…then maybes andrew bynum, rashard lewis, wilmer valderrama, darren mcfadden. oh, and one date with shia labeouf.

Taylor:  brandon borello (listed 1st), sam armstrong (non-celebrity), lucas till (video hoe), eddie redmayne,  jake gyllenhaal, taylor lautner, joe jonas, john mayer, zac efron (although she denies it), cory montieth (glee) connor kennedy, harry styles.

Okay, so more than 5-6.  But  give or take 1 or 2, they have dated same number of dudes.  And they are pretty close in age.  So why does the all american blonde chick get a pass on promiscuity?  At least Rihanna is open and honest abt her sexuality and antics.  Taylor is still playing that “I’m so sweet and innocent” role.  And sure, what do we know as spectators?  We don’t really know what they are doing when all alone with their ‘dates’.  Could be that they are really just dating and no sex is involved….riiiiiiiight.  That tongue kissing she was doing with Connor Kennedy was pretty involved and suggested a familiarity that implies the full monty to me!  Ditto with Taylor Lautner.  I’m not a big Taylor Swift fan, so I didnt really see any other pics of her with these other dudes.  But those two pics were proof enough for me to wonder.

So why?  Why is the Black woman demonized as a slut and the white girl a serial dater?  As much as folks like to pretend we are past race in this country (every country), this is a prime example of how racial stereotypes continue to exhibit themselves.  There are several, but in particular, the Jezebel stereotype is the reason for the disparity.  Check out the link below to go in depth

Ferris State University

“The portrayal of black women as lascivious by nature is an enduring stereotype. The descriptive words associated with this stereotype are singular in their focus: seductive, alluring, worldly, beguiling, tempting, and lewd. Historically, white women, as a category, were portrayed as models of self-respect, self-control, and modesty – even sexual purity, but black women were often portrayed as innately promiscuous, even predatory. This depiction of black women is signified by the name Jezebel.

There is a consensus when European explorers saw African women wearing almost no clothing (probably because it was hot as all get out), they assumed that the women must be irrepressibly sexual.  Just because they had different customs, they were considered inferior and given negative connotations.  Personally, I believe their loins is what made them think these women wanted sex from everyone they met, especially these pale scrawny white dudes…hence the Jezebel  ideal was created so the explorers could indulge themselves and justify their actions.  Whereas white women could do no wrong.  White men needed their white women to keep pretending to be pure and virginial, even when they didn’t want to be.  White women are human like us all, not an ideal to be put on a pedestal and never touched.  American history is rife with stories of white women falsely Black men of rape and starting riots as a result.  There are faithful white women and promiscuous white women (and women of every color, but I’m using b/w as I compare Rihanna to Taylor) which I would think we all realize now.  And yet…the dichotomoy still exists.

So the same circumstances may apply to both women, but Rihanna will be slapped with the Jezebel whore label while Taylor Swift will still be considered an innocent, because she goes onto the Ellen show and blushes when confronted with a montage of her former lovers.

Let’s call a spade a spade.  If Rihanna is a hoe, then Taylor Swift damn well is too.


WHAT. IS. UP. !!!

I HAVE TO SAY it is good … no it’s GREAT to be back! writing that is. i recently read a post from the feminist collective talking about not reading for pleasure as we grow up. i have had the opposite problem, doing nothing but reading for pleasure! but allowing my writing to become nonexistent. I blogged, ranted, cursed and told it like it was! i was part of several activist collectives, and monthly writing blogs, and internet columns…all while writing a book on my family history.

And then I fell in love, for real.
And got pregnant.
And got married.
In that order.

Now I have two children, eight years has passed, and two months after having my daughter, I feel this … urge to go back to myself. i really felt like i kinda lost myself along the way. checking out blogs from folks like new black man (exile) and queer black feminist had me all nostalgic. oh, and that history book? not done! even though i participate in nanowrimo every year lol. well, halfheartedly participate. although it was halfway done and that is a whole other post.

anyway, back on topic…

which i will do alot, bcz i tend to have lots of mental mind leaps that seem to go everywhere, but i promise they all link to one another.

while reading black feminist’s blog, the nostalgia hit me very hard, because she lives and describes my hometown, the bay area. and i miss it so. it is in my blood, and helped make me the mad ranter i am. and it just hit me…i live in the south, living in indignance at the oft-times purposeful ignorance of those around, and i miss living in a place where the norm is tolerance, and activism and education, even when you are hood as all get out! i love cali’s mixture of ghetto intelligence. and i’m just not getting that here in the south. i do live in a major city, that likes to think of itself as progressive for it’s state. but in real life, it just wears a slightly tolerant mask, that flys off instantly any time racial or financial cages are rattled.

damn, i miss california. especially berkeley and oakland. the berkeley flea market. macarthur bart station where i bought my incense and issey miyake oil from the dreded dude that hung out there. there is no good vibrations here! no spengers! no telegraph street! no amoeba music, no annapurna, no marsh nxt to the fwy, no buffalo exchange, no embarcadero, no sf sourdough co with clam chowder in a bread bowl in the foggy mist while my hair poofs out…

ok i’m done complaining.

anyway, having a daughter has made me feel some kinda way for real. my son was a miracle birth, and she is the miracle baby. we had some complications, but she came through it like nothing was ever wrong. although the daddy’s girl syndrome has already started with a vengeance (yes i am totally jealous), i see myself. i see all my hopes and dreams inside this tiny opinionated infant like looking in a mirror. i want her to be whatever she wants, dont get me wrong; i dnt wnt to push my ambitions onto her. but looking at her, i see all the things i wanted for myself as still possible. If i could have this beautiful miracle baby, i CAN do everything i always wanted. i don’t have to be stuck in this life of average job with average expectations. i want more. i am more. i always have been, but i dropped all those things that i am trying to be what i thought i should be. the working mother took over the angry activist who railed against injustice in person and all over the page and internet. i tried to be the good obedient wife to the detriment of my own needs…not that my husband wanted that…i was just overdoing what i thought i was supposed to do in that role. isnt that what us black women do historically? save the world and neglect ourselves?


done doing that.

i didnt make any ny resolutions, and am still not going to. but i am writing again! thank you God! from this, many things will spring. first, i have made a place to make myself heard, to tell the world (even if no one is listening actively) how i feel and what i think. that is something i have always wanted, to be heard and to be engaged in debate and conversation. so now that i’m writing again, i can extend blog posts into that book. and move back into activism in the real world, where black girls are in dire straits, and black boys are dying everyday.

i feel so happy and hopeful.

see what a few words can do? lol

i will start the real posts next.

1st topic: Turnstyle Taylor Swift. WOOO!